I am struggling every day to live in this world. This doesn't mean I am unhappy all the time, on the contrary, but each day that goes by I am trying to figure out what is my role, what are my beliefs, and what I can do to make things better.

As the years have gone by I have witnessed (through media both mainstream and alternative) disaster after disaster, natural and man made. I've watched the spectrum of reactions to these awful events, I've been mesmerised by the horror, and then gutted by the realisation that the scale of the horror seems to matter to our reactions. A terror attack that kills and injures scores is deserving of more airtime than one that kills a couple. I'm guilty. When I left for work on Monday I caught a report of a lone gunman in Las Vegas just as I switched off the TV. I thought, another one, and left to begin my day. As the day progressed, the true horror of what had transpired unfolded. But seriously I should have been just as horrified at the couple of knife attacks that had been reported earlier in September. (I can't even remember where!!!)

Conspiracy theories leave me reeling. I know mainstream news in a brainwashing tool, but often I feel conspiracy theories are doing exactly the same thing. Conspiracy theorists also clearly act from the bias of their personal beliefs. I'm at the stage where if I don't witness an event myself, I can't believe anything reported about it. Which leaves me feeling increasingly suspended in a bizarre kind of limbo. The more I read and the more points of view I consider, the more confused I am. (And I read a lot.)

For example, here are some recent thoughts I have had following the Las Vegas horror. Many conspiracy theorists have pointed out the function of the attack was to bring about more regulations, especially in regards to gun control in the USA. Common sense tells me that easy access to unlimited deadly weapons is a very dangerous thing. The budding anarchist in me resents the government control of increased gun legislation. So I support and don't support gun control at the same time.

Recently I have been thinking we as humans have created the world we deserve to live in. I hate it that we are controlled like puppets by governments and who knows what dastardly shadow organisations behind them. I hate it that we have send our loved ones to wars that really have nothing to do with us. I hate it that funds are are diverted into the pockets of a few while the majority of the population of this world starves. I especially hate pointless bureaucracy that consumes everyday citizens to the point where have no space left for actually living. Anarchy sounds very attractive. BUT I fear we are not mature enough to deal with the freedoms we seek. I fear anarchy would quickly descend into the type of scenes we see in apocalyptic B-movies, as we as humans are generally lazy, selfish and jealous. So I do and don't support anarchism.

On a more personal level, these last 4 years for me, has caused a great deal of reflection. It began when I reached breaking point with dealing with the constant stress of owning a struggling small business and trying to keep my children fed, educated and a roof over their head. My stresses now are exactly the same as they were then, but in these last 4 years I think I have grown enough to grant them their appropriate space in my life, rather than let them consume me.

The first significant event I experienced was beginning yoga classes. The philosophy of yoga resonates with me. It helped me to slow down and appreciate the calm that comes from living in the moment. Actively trying to practice the principle of non-attachment helped alleviate much of my stress. The physical practice of yoga also has a very calming effect on me. But truthfully, I had also allowed myself to be taken advantage of, by always taking people at face value.

It was also during this 4 year period that I made a new friend. The first true friend I have had since high school. She, somewhat brutally systematically stripped away my illusions about people and allowed me to see the unpleasant truth behind the fake smiles. This was difficult for me, as I have actually had to grow some and stand up for myself a bit more. I was also left feeling extremely disillusioned about humanity, as it seems everybody has an ulterior motive. I became very (for me) hard. Following yoga on social media also exposed me to a lot of "positive thinking" bullshit. But at the same time I do believe in the genuine effort of meditation and prayer.

All my experiences have left me with a sense of permanent cognitive dissonance, and seems, to me, humanity's problems are insurmountable. But then I look at my children, and some of their friends. They seem somehow different. Definitely less materialistic, and less apt to subscribe to the norm. Not all children are like this unfortunately, society's brainwashing has been too strong. Are enough children different to effect future change? I worry about this, and additionally it feels unfair to place the responsibility of our shit onto them.

The point of this somewhat long and convoluted blog (mirroring a fraction of my thoughts), is to try and determine what role I play in this crazy situation called life. What can I, a middle-aged, financially poor, woman from South Africa, do to make a difference. The only thing I can think of is to be real, to love unconditionally, but not be a New Age fool. And as @everlove mentioned in a comment, to hold space for the next generation, with the hope they can do better.

@onetree

images: pixabay

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