Some of these days have been hard, the reality of what has been happening has really begun to sink in. It's kind of funny how we can just keep going, looking at what is happening in our lives and decide that Okay I need to just accept this and get on with it. The focus here has to be on healing, I need to be strong, I need to be supportive and to be present.
But watching you suffer, seeing the pain so clearly reflected on your face, seeing all the sadness wash over you in waves. Waves that seem to have grown in size and in intensity. Watching you look away because you do not want to share those feelings with us, your family. Here you are trying to protect us when all we want to do is protect you!
These last few days have been tough, hearing you say that we should just put you out with the rubbish, asking why this is happening to you. You have spend your life as a carer looking after others, always putting others before you, it is so unfair that this is now happening to you. All this suffering, all this pain.I do not understand the reasoning behind this, how could there ever be any reasoning behind your suffering. It makes no sense. I ask those questions with you, I can feel the despair, I can feel the energy that has changed around you, you look so lost and vulnerable and I feel so helpless next to you. You apologize for allowing yourself to become so negative, but how could you not, you need to ask these questions, you need to cry and get angry. But you do not let yourself because you feel guilty for sharing your pain.
Here You are, a shadow of your former self, but I know that woman who is full of fire and life is still in there. This journey you are on, that has so many obstacles, that gives you no respite, no rest. It is moving, but not in the way we had hoped. No not now anyway. But we must not lose hope, we must continue to picture you whole and well again.
Every night before I go to sleep, I close my eyes and picture you with your golden curls again, with your beautiful smile. I picture you full of life and vitality. I picture you whole. Every morning I do the same, I picture you rising from your bed, I picture you in perfection and I send it out into the world. This is what gets me through my days, this is how I hold it all together.
I feel so tired at times, yet who am I to talk of tiredness when your body is being pushed to it's limits. When the treatment you are receiving is attacking every part of your body. I know at the end of each day I get to lie down in my bed pain free, with my daughter beside me. Something that you will never get to experience. I can see the look you have in your eyes when I am with my children, I know how you have longed for your own and I know that it can never happen for you now. Even that must be such a huge thing to accept and live with, but you have been dealt so much more. It is so unfair, so very unfair and I can not make sense of it all. I can not imagine how it must be for you.
I will stand beside you no matter what you decide. It is your decision how you will prepare yourself to continue on this journey. I have had huge lessons in acceptance and in being present. I have had to learn to pull back and just let things be. My opinions and my knowledge are not what matters here, I am here to stand beside you, to hold your hand, to rub your back. I can do all of that, but I really wish I could do more.
Today has been a tough day. Today I can feel my energy levels beginning to decrease . I have had to leave you and return to my parents as you undergo more treatment tomorrow. But I will recharge and make sure that when I see you again, that I can lend you my strength. That I can bask in your presence, because even with all of this going on, you still give off that warmth that so many love you for. You still find the strength to make us laugh and the courage to smile and carry on.
Today I am here trying to make sense of it all!
1st Image Source:https://www.nation.co.ke/health/-little-brush-save-women-from-cervical-cancer/3476990-4312582-y042i0z/index.html
8 Pillars of TribeSteemUp
