Listen To The Little Voice
"I need a victory!" I said to myself under my breath. It wasn't the sort of thing that I would normally say, and even though it came from me and was directed to myself, it was still somewhat cryptic to what it actually meant.
As I type this, I am still puzzling over it what it means at a deeper level, but for now I will focus at a surface level and see what I discover later on.
I was sitting in front of a laptop and large monitor in a call centre at the start of my shift when I said that I needed a victory.
I knew at the surface level that I shouldn't be working there, but at a deeper level I knew that I was being entrained or brainwashed.
In fact at one point one of the team leaders said that they were "grooming us to be salespeople"!
I'd sure I'm being a little alarmist at this choice of words, and I can forgive someone having English at a second language, but it is somewhat disturbing.
Entraining Explained
Entraining or brainwashing starts with intermittent reinforcement. It's the "good cop, bad cop" style behaviour in friendships and relationships.
You know, like when someone comes on strong and intense initially but ghosts you the next day?
That's intermittent reinforcement.
The dopamine hit of idealisation or "lovebombing" and the withdrawl period that creates a dependence.
If someone was openly abusive to you, you wouldn't accept it. However, if that someone was nice to you (idealisation, love bombing, etc.) beforehand, you'd be blindsided by it and become confused by their behaviour.
This is why some companies have pool tables, ping pong tables.
Pizza, donuts, and lollies (candy) are offered as forms of bribes that make you feel guilty if you choose to leave.
I'm sure you've experienced something like this before. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths use this tactic instinctively.
This is why some companies have pool tables, ping pong tables.
Pizza, donuts, and lollies (candy) are offered as bribes that tap into your childhood and make you feel guilty if you choose to leave.
Elusive trips to Bali as incentives for staying with the company, or sales bonuses for reaching and staying in their Platinum Lounge.
The intermittent reinforcement lowers your psychological / emotional defences and you can go into a trance-like state where you're susceptable to being controlled by others.
Essentially, your inner voices get replaced by that of your abuser's.
Trust Your Sarcasm
Thankfully, there's a mental self defence mechanism that kicks in, but it only works if you are aware of it, listen and act on it.
That mechanism is your true self. It's not the louder running inner monologue but rather it's the quiet inner voice that rarely speaks up but when it does it highlights each and every one of the red flags of the situation usually in a whisper.
The little voice is mostly positive and supportive.
It can also manifest in the subconscious urge to take notes or screenshots of your conversations with a certain peoplebecause what they are saying doesn't match their actions.
You could call it "gut instinct" or a "hunch".
We often dismiss or overlook these red flags because we want to give people the benefit of the doubt often at our own expense.
As I was typing this post, I became aware that my own sarcasm is part of this "little voice". It's a little darker, but it's often an expression of doubt about the situation that is somewhat truthful.
I was making sarcastic jokes or comments my whole time while working at the call centre. I clearly wasn't happy there and neither was anyone else going through the training in our group.
Sarcasm, as dark as it is, is form of honesty. It's also a defence against toxic positivity, strangely enough.
Toxic positivity might look like someone telling you "You've got this!" while you're figuratively drowning.
Sarcasm might look like your little or even you saying out loud "No, I don't! I'm struggling with this!".
It's often out of politeness that we accept and do things our instincts are telling us aren't right for us.
How To Listen
In order to hear the little voice properly, you need to be somewhere where you feel safe and relaxed.
You don't need complete silence, but you do need to be somewhere where you can "hear yourself think" or become aware of your own thoughts.
This part is a little complex, but the constant inner monologue (like in the TV show Dexter) is not really your true inner voice. It's tainted with what are known as introjects.
These can be things like clichés like "Look both ways before crossing the street.", social rules, etc. which are essential for survival, but they can also be criticism from parents or peers.
Everyone thinks internally that they are fat, stupid and ugly regardless of what they say outwardly.
These statements aren't true, of course, but we carry them around with us until we can challenge them and let them go.
Seeking Victories
At the beginning of this post I said that I needed a victory.
This was because I was out of my depth in a job that didn't suit me, wasn't getting the help that I needed.
It also felt that I was being told every day that I wasn't good enough. I just wasn't winning. The money was OK,
but I was having anxiety attacks every day, including weekends for an entire month.
Ultimately, I need to be in environments that are genuinely supportive and non toxic, and this includes workplaces, relationships, friendships and online spaces.
"I need a victory!"
Going deeper, I need to be valued. I need to start valuing myself and my limited time here while I'm still alive.
I no longer accept devaluation from external sources but instead my focus is on rebulding my self esteem and my life from scratch once again.
There are several training and job opportunities that I am exploring while I type this. We'll see where they lead.
May you hear the little voice, and have a few victories of your own.
Thank you for reading.
Shaidon
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