November 2022
As I look around me I hear a voice calling from the upstairs balcony of the main house. It's the landlady and we only have a brief chat because she says she's not feeling well today.
She can't come down the stairs, she says, so I walk up to her to get the key for the place. With the key in hand, I make my way down the narrow side ally to the rear of the house where my room is. The back garden is mostly sand and the area hasn't been used for guests, yet, because the room is a new addition to the guesthouse.
The landlady chose to not include the backyard when she sent me those photos.
I'm a little disappointed.
Part of The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
Read from the beginning >>
My disappointment isn't because I'm entitled. these days
I never did take much notice of appearances and prefer to focus my awareness inwards now as well. How things feel is far more important to me. But I do want things to be nice for our holiday and for Nathan to be happy with our temporary home.
It's why I lug boxes of Lego around with us and unpack his stuff before he arrives at each new place.
I don't complain because I "knew" the place wasn't meant to be rented out when the landlady replied to my original email and included the word "may" in her reply. She then went quiet for a couple of days, after I asked for the cost, before she confirmed it was available and provided me with the information I requested.
We always "see truth", you know. We're instinctively programmed to do this in order to survive. We've just been taught to politely ignore it a lot of the time.
Or we choose to ignore it because we'd prefer things to be different.
I didn't ask the landlady outright about the accommodation even though I "knew" she had quickly arranged something to make more money over the holiday season, is my point here.
And every time a person ignores their truth it maybe isn't gonna work out so well for them.
I wanted to be near the beach. I needed something I could afford so that I could rebuild a bit and rest as well. And I also know some people in Pringle Bay so it felt less threatening than traveling through season on my own with nothing to fall back on in an emergency. It felt "familiar" and hence "safe".
I also wanted out of the financial stress and living, literally, hand to mouth at this point. I've learned to be okay with less but mistaking those fireworks for a gang war made me aware that, although I don't need money to be happy anymore, in a country like mine you need money to stay safe.
And, possibly, alive in some areas.
But a lie and fear is never a good thing to base a decision on.
I guess the landlady chose to not include the backyard when she sent me those photos because she's also in survival mode and needs the money. who isn't at this point?
There was more non-disclosure by the landlady but I don't want to bore you too much. What I do want to note here... is that when people are motivated by fear their choices and actions can get a bit messy. been there, done that
I am a little disappointed but I didn't listen to myself or do due diligence because I was afraid. I do want things to be nice for our holiday and for Nathan to be happy with our temporary home. But I don't say anything because I'm fuck broke, accommodation is getting scare and I'm afraid I may not find somewhere else for us to stay.
I don't, however, take much notice of the way things look and how things feel is far more important to me now.
And this area feels "safe".
The room is also far smaller than the photos depicted and a I'm bit shocked by the size of it on first entry. Nathan and I are going to be bumping into and crawling over each other just to get to the kitchen or bathroom small.
I'm not mentioning this because I need more to feel okay. In fact, I've always preferred more cozy spaces to large ones. I feel safer somehow.
My three-man tent is still my all time favorite bedroom ever. I sleep best and most deeply in my tent. And it's not only because I'm camping and in my happy place, nature, to be clear. It's because I feel contained and snug. Safe.
So I prefer smaller spaces as long as the ceilings are high. I feel suffocated under a low roof. My ideal room would be spacious enough to move freely around in, but not too big to feel small in, with a high ceiling. A small space that has the sensation of being "big".
Aren't we humans interesting?
And funny.
The room is tiny but it's newly renovated and it'll do for the summer while we have a break and look around the area a bit more.
The village is actually in the middle of a nature reserve and the surroundings are breathtaking!
We will have to spend more time outdoors and away from screens. And, with my concerns about my physical health now, this will actually be the best thing for me. And for Nathan as well. We both need more sunshine.
And walks!
We haven't been able to do our daily walks together, for the last two weeks at the urban farm, because of the danger of the area we were staying in.
A tiny room, in this part of the Western Cape, seems a small compromise for what lies just beyond the front door...
I don't give it further thought than this. I mechanically carry everything safely inside in a few or more trips, stick some music on, put my headphones on, and begin to unpack.
I'm really tired now though. It's going on towards 5pm and I still haven't eaten today. I haven't had time. I still think this because I haven't, after all my years in recovery, learned to put my health first when I'm on the go and there's stuff to get sorted out.
I still enjoy the motion of unpacking to the music but I can't finish it off right now. I'm just too darned tired. The afternoon light is dwindling and I'm feeling more at peace in this environment already. Some internal clock that's been tick tick-ticking for far too long now begins to slow down somehow.
I push the remaining two boxes against the single bed, along with the last two bags of clothing and linen and switch off the lights. I lock the door behind me and, barefoot, head straight down to the beach that is under five minutes walk away. The sun is setting and I'm not about to miss it.
I can't remember when it was that I last had the time or opportunity to watch a sunset and this decision will alter the pace of my life over the next couple of weeks.
I'll also spend a good part of my days walking barefoot around the area exploring it. I won't even feel guilty that I'm being "unproductive" because load-shedding and a dishonest avoidance of answering a repeated question about internet speed, prior to me taking the rental, will make it almost impossible to work at all.
Again... a question unanswered is almost always a something that a someone wants hidden. But, even knowing this, I chose to ignore it.
Perhaps this is the best thing that could happen though. It's way passed due I began to deal with the work addiction anyway.
Finally catching up the journey from there to here so things are going to speed up a bit now.
I hope you enjoy the ride 😁
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee