I Am A Slave To Debt!

Image Source For the past few days, my book and pen haven't left my side because I have been doing a lot of writing, not because I want to write but because I just have to pen down everything going through my thought, every responsibility I am shouldering and every debt I am in just so I don't end up forgetting. I mean, I had a little debt last year due to some circumstances and had made decisions to clear them off this year so I can face other things but go through my notepad, yesterday night, I realized I owe more than I had planned to owe this year and I even realize that more responsibilities are pilling up for me that I still need to clear off before I can pay off my old debt.

It's not my joy sharing my financial bondage and frustrations here but the truth is, I am losing it, although no one is realizing it but I can feel that my worries and sleeplessness are telling on my mental health and physical appearance. I can not seem to understand myself anymore, many days I have to force myself to sleep and on several occasions, I have had to leave the house to stay with a friend because my thoughts are making me lose consciousness. I constantly get migraine every day because I can not help but think of a way forward out of this debt situation I have lost focus, and motivation on the plans I had for myself this year to even keep pressing forward or even have faith because we are four months gone and I am yet to clear my debt and I have a lot of responsibilities staring at my face.

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I won't even go into the details about the pound of weight I have lost since the beginning of this year and how many times I have to stitch so many of my dresses before wearing them. I have been asked questions like "Are you sick" and I am like "No" any problem? And I see the person giving me a weird stare because I smile and look very happy with no worry about the question while answering this question.

The burden of being a slave to debt is no fun because nothing feels at home to me, I feel lost and empty, I have applied for jobs but I am yet to be called and I wish to start up a business but have no income forthcoming.

Most days, I look at the mirror and tell myself I look older than my age and that is because I am not enjoying my youthful age due to the responsibilities that come with being the firstborn and only girl child of a family that has no steady source of income worst about., my younger brothers aren't helping out with this responsibility because they feel they have needs for their money which I do not doubt about.

I mean, we all have personal needs but then, I make sacrifices to put food on the table and meet other needs that require finances and I had hoped that one day, they will get to help me out, I guess that is never going to come because it is obvious they are not cut out for other people's responsibility.

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I mean, this wasn't my plan, I had plans to boost my account by following @shanibeer and @eddie-earner saving plans to save every week but unfortunately, I am lacking behind because I have to withdraw now every week just to clear off the pile of responsibility on my shoulder. I smile just to make people feel everything is alright for my kind of person who never likes to disturb people especially if it concerns my need because I feel everyone has got their problems to settle and does not owe me anything, I feel so sad, depressed and frustrated about everything.

There are days and weeks I go without doing a post, not because I do not wish to because my head is so occupied with so many thoughts that are sapping my energy and I have no energy to think of what to write, funny enough I have stared at my blog for the hundredth time and read through other people's post but not gotten anything to write about, not even a comment to leave on these people's article to show I was there.

I can't even tell how I got into this mess, but all I know is that it is eating me up alive and giving me reasons not to be happy and to be frustrated. How do I tell someone that I am in debt of 100,000 and do not even know where to start from coupled with the family responsibility I am shouldering, how? I don't know where or how I got things all wrong, staring at my bank balance that is reading red and my notepad showing how the source of my debt came about, shows me I am in a big mess.