I can’t be sure of what decisions to use. I think at every turn in life, we encounter crossroads that question our judgements, present us with choices, and place tough decisions before us that make it practically mandatory for us to make a choice. You can’t have both, you will lose all kinds of choices.
And I have encountered them severally. I’m racking my brain now on what was my most recent tough decision moment and it finally came to mind. I’ve always prided myself in the fact that I’m able to let go easily. I won’t say it’s a bad thing necessarily. To me, it had always been a gift. Relationships, quarrels, people who do me wrong. It would hurt in that moment, but I’d mastered early on how to consciously break out and let go of people and things.
But then, I realized with some certain people that it’s rather hard to let go. I don’t have a lot of friends. I mean I do, but you know those ones that you let them get in so deep into the circle that you now become vulnerable and so their actions or inactions affect you. You’ve let them get in, so any pullback would affect you negatively. That’s the kind I'm referring to and who this friend was to me.
We’d been friends for six years and it had been six years packed with memories. I keep very few male friends close. Shouldn’t be past three or so but this person was a constant. Had been with me through a lot of things. Was practically a constant in my life. But when you see that you’re walking on eggshells around someone. When you get used to their BS and forgive them a gazillion times when they hurt you, it becomes tasking.
The second to the last time this friend wronged me and came to say, “I’m sorry Tess,” as usual. I told him and was also trying to tell myself that it was going to be the last time and that I valued my mental health too much to be letting him wreck my emotional stack of cards the second I rebuilt it. I didn’t let anyone do that to me so why should he always keep being an exception?
Then the final one happened and this one hit me so bad cause I didn’t have to bear it alone. It was beyond embarrassing cause it happened in public and when I rectified things and got back home, I tapped my chest and was like, never again. I told my sister and she went all. “It’s you, Tess. He’ll come back now and cry and wail and you’ll forgive him in an instant.” I don’t know if it was her words that toughened my resolve. I mean she’d said things like that a lot of times over the years but that doormat feeling refused to shake off so I knew this was the final straw.
Point is, was it hard? No, not really. It should’ve been but I’ve come to realize something about myself which is that when I’m consciously firm in my resolve, even I can’t convince myself to back down. And another thing I just want to point out about decision making, when you’re confused between two outfits, for instance, and you ask someone what he or she thinks you should wear, do you know that subconsciously, you’ve already made that decision? Like, deep down you already know what you would pick either way. It’s a mind thing but it’s very true. When we’re confused about it, deep down we’ve already made our decision and maybe just need a final push or something.
The point being that making tough decisions isn’t rocket science. If your heart doesn’t lead you right, trust your mind or your instincts and most of all, trust in your resolve that you’re doing what is right. Weigh the pros and the cons and prepare to be responsible for whatever outcome. It’s maturity. It’s growth. So I said to myself the day I picked up the phone and called that friend, “Maybe what I’m doing isn’t right, but it’s the best decision I had to make. For me. And I will stand by it.” And that’s what I’m doing. No matter what happens.
Jhymi🖤
Image is mine.
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