What just happened
I've been a bit quiet around here lately and it's all because I did the laundry.
You'd expect to come home with a good clean start to the week after laundry day, but sadly that isn't what happened.
Although it gave me some material for this post. Which could be a positive thing.
Maybe they're right.
There's always something positive in a situation if only you find it...
I woke up after laundry day positively covered in bites.
The critters musta been hungry because when I say positively covered in bites, I mean bites over most of the centre of my chest and a nice patch on my back to boot.
I mean so many nibbles and nips that my chest and back looked like one massive red welt. In patches.
But the itching began on the night I came back from the laundry, unpacked it neatly and put the "clean" linen on the bed.
No I didn't wait two whole days to fight back.
Once upon a time I would have. Or maybe even a week. Or I probably would have just walked away. But, over these last years, life has taught me to step into battle when action is required to shift the things that are making me uncomfortable.
Sure... I still walk away a lot. It's often the smarter decision.
But unfortunately for the space invaders, I was here first.
And this meant War.
It's probably unnecessary to clarify here, that no sleep was had on the first night back from the laundry.
And I happen to love sleep. And I happen to not be so cute and fluffy without it. Yeah. You've only really seen my cute and fluffy side. You've been duly warned.
Wait until you see me spring into action if kids or animals are being hurt. Or innocent people in general.
Just don't do that around me.
Ever.
But back to the no sleep.
Nope. Nary a wink almost none on night one of the home invasion.
This despite me springing into immediate action when the itching began, grabbing the nearest can of Doom and liberally and brazenly spraying it all over my mattress, sheets, bedding and pillows before I hopped right back on in.
Sure... once I may have shaken them out, vacuumed and all that responsible stuff, but it takes a lot to rattle me these days and this kind of thing just seems a minor inconvenience to me now.
Sure it's poisonous and toxic, but some of the people I used to run around with and the entire government system I stood my ground in for three years are far, far more toxic and dangerous.
A li'l bit of poison?
Meh.
I guess it pissed the bugs off though. They must have all banned together and one for all while I wasn't looking. They launched their next attack while I was sleeping. It went mostly unnoticed during my sporadic naps in between the scritching and scratching, sighing, cursing, tossing and turning.
I woke up and took the above photo because war wounds are still kinda cool, aren't they? I know my eleven year old'll be mighty impressed at the very least.
"Right, you bastards." I thought. "Game on!"
And no... I don't believe for one second they were this groovy or cute!
Game on
I abandoned all hope that my home survival kit was gonna cut it and marched to the nearest chemist.
Again. I'm not being dramatic.
I let my brand new car go in 2019 and have been on foot in my city ever since. And you can't complain about the public transport out where I am for the moment because.... well... there isn't any.
(*joke stolen, revised repeatedly and you'll probably hear it again from me)
2,5 km each way to the nearest mall and actual shops.
It's actually not far when you get used to it.
The majority of people who live in my country do this every day, and an hour or so more, just to get to jobs that don't even pay them enough to live on.
Plus some.
Perspective, right?
Into the mall I marched at last. Bandana as a mask because I rarely go out these days and apparently we don't have to do that around here anymore. Yeah. I was the only nerd in the mall with a mask on, until I realised things have changed outside in the world again.
I was a but bummed and considered leaving it on anyway.
I happen to like masks and the anonymity wearing them affords. I was once pretty well connected around here and I live in a city that's really only a small town that runs mostly on money, location, ego and pretension. And the inevitable gossip that follows about who's who in the privileged zoo.
Everybody is all up in everyone's stuff 'round here and the grapevine never sleeps.
Maybe it has bedbugs too.
Realising it would probably attract more attention, I pulled the bandana back around my neck as I strode towards the entrance of the chemist.
As I explained what the problem was at the counter, I could feel everybody lined behind me begin to back away slowly. Even the pharmacist leaned backwards slightly and so, of course, I pointed it out and began to giggle. He laughed along with me and tried to cover his instinctual reaction too late.
We couldn't figure out what it might be between us, so I decided to go the whole nine yards and cover every possibility.
I headed off to, coincidentally, aisle nine to find the lice kit he had said would be there but perhaps he hadn't been thinking too clearly after I alerted him to my problem, because all I found in aisle nine were products for incontinence, injuries and something else I can't even remember.
I didn't have my reading glasses on me and the going was tough.
I'm pretty much half blind without them. Eleven years of web development and a tech addiction will do that to you. Although it can be disorientating, if you prefer to not be seen mostly it really does come in handy.
People could be smiling and waving and I'd literally walk right past them without recognising them. I use it when I don't feel like peopling. I can just say I never saw them. It's a decent excuse because it's completely true.
Even if it is done somewhat selectively.
Up and down the aisles I roamed but nary a thing that mentioned relieving the situation was found. And I mean repeated wanderings until I began to lose my patience and cool.
And it takes a lot to get me to that point these days...
I gave up eventually and headed to the aromatherapy section. I've read somewhere that lice don't like tee-tree or lavender oil and that coconut oil stops the eggs sticking to hair follicles. A natural solution, possibly, and I'm a nature gal all the way.
In fact... I'd had an a itchy itch in my right armpit a few days before and had gone to the bathroom to investigate. A large red bump. "Spider bite." I thought. "Or a tick bite." I thought just after that.
Is that TMI?
Some of you reading this will already know I head up the mountain barefoot, still half in my jammies and dressing gown for Harry Potter duals with my son. What I didn't share, is that I also take the time to lie on the earth and reconnect with myself when I'm up there.
Try it. On your back. Arms out at 45 degree angles and palms up. Let your feet just flop right out to either side. Then lift your chest and tuck your shoulder blades back to lengthen your neck and spine...
and just breathe for a while.
Half an hour of that you'll feel as though you've had a week holiday.
But you can get bitten, of course.
A tick bite would make absolute sense.
Since it was a one off and it didn't need any treatment, when I discovered it I thought, "If my arm starts turning charcoal and yellow, I'll take action."
No big deal. I'm an outdoor person. For real.
But not so outdoorsy that I didn't even make it home on the 45 minute (ish) walk back from the chemist.
I stopped halfway and ripped the lid off the tee-tree oil right there on the side of the road. I bent over and began to pump as much of the stuff as I could onto the back of my head, rubbing it vigorously into my hair for all the drivers by to see.
Although I honestly give very few fucks about what people think after some of the stuff that's been said about me during the last years, I did still try to look vaguely cool. The situation was humiliating enough without it becoming comical because of the intensity of the action.
It was though. This whole thing has been.
So bizarre that it's been kinda hilarious. (at times)
If inordinately uncomfortable. (the whole way through)
But I've always been able to find the humour in situations. It's this that's made me as resilient as I am, in fact. Not all the time, to be honest. I lost my sense of humour in 2019 for a while, but over the last few months it seems to have been returning...
I'm sorry in advance.
I did the rest of me when I got home. Full tilt oiled all over. "That'll teach 'em!" I thought to myself, spraying the bed with Doom again for some additional punch.
As well as the inside of the clothes I was going to wear before I put them on.
Don't even. Don't you dare laugh...
or berate me.
Yeah, I know!
Now.
I learned the hard way...
Day 3 and the final meltdown to follow soon
This post has been entered into The COMedy Rumble 'cause who doesn't like a good rumble?
I'm inviting @stevemuis and @tengolotodo
Participate HERE