Hello everyone! I joined this community for many reasons, mostly to express my creativity and begin my journey of finding myself along the way. I am a recent college graduate, a COTA in Occupational Therapy. In my free time, I enjoy dancing, cosplaying, music, and sometimes drawing. I perform with a belly dance troupe, perform burlesque routines, and dance at Renaissance Festivals. Drawing used to be my main passion, comic art mostly, but as years have passed, creative arts have become a struggle to me. The only way to really describe my loss of identity and creative inspiration is to explain my past. Phew, time to get personal.
I initially grew up in a typical household with my mother, father, and older sister. My father had always been an alcoholic, but it never phased me as a child because he hid it very well. At the age of 10, he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C and Schizophrenia shortly after. My parents hid this from me for a while until the symptoms became more apparent. My father's drinking and violent behavior increased, causing my mother to leave him. Instead of taking my sister and I with her, she left to move far away with another man. My sister was an adult at this point and moved out of state as well.
At 14, I began taking the role as my father's primary caregiver. He struggled with mental illness, substance abuse, and liver disease. During this time, he was very unstable, attempting to set our house on fire several times, attempting suicide, and punishing me with starvation and verbal abuse. My main escape was school. I graduated in the top of my class and joined any club that would take me away from my home. At the age of 16, I found my father deceased in our home. He died of asphyxiation from choking on his vomit. I am unaware if he attempted suicide by overdosing or if it was accidental. This was the time of my life that I left creativity behind and put survival at the forefront.
I was doing extremely well in school and did not want to leave my community or enter the "system." I began couch surfing until I graduated high school. I made the wrong choices in trusting others that I thought to be friends. From the ages of 16 to 21 my life had became saturated with sexual and physical abuse. I grew up in a rough town outside of a big city, with rough people along with it. Survival was my main objective, and I did whatever it took to have a home. This caused me to change my personality to blend and fit in with whoever would let me stay with them; I lost my identity as a result. I began working at night clubs and camming which finally led me to have more independence.
I moved far away and left that life behind. Now I graduated and am finally building my life back up. This has been an amazing turn around, but I have realized that I really have no idea who I am. I destroyed what was left of my imagination and creativity the day that my father passed away. I am hoping to start my creative expression and figure out who the "real" me is. Thank you for reading my story. I have never publicly posted any of this, which feels great and freeing, but somewhat scary as well.