I am tired of making up dreams to follow. I am absolutely pro being a person with goals and wishes for one's life, but for me, it has come to a point. In 15 years I have been living in my dreams - thinking that "it will come" and " it will happen in the future one time or another", without taking the proper responsibility of the here and now!
Now, that seems a bit pessimistic, right?
No. I don't think so. As I am a person with a lot of creativity, I tend to jump. From one place to the other, dream after dream, but now I want to ask myself - what is a dream really all about?
I have been aware of my own weakness of jumping from one dream to another, living and feeding myself on different dreams, but now it seems that I have come to a new point.
I have to sort out things. Again. Prioritize. Again. Reset my values, really think them through. Again.
Since I was twelve, I have told myself that I am the author type, the one that will get so famous that I can live happily ever after only with selling books. I was like: This is what I'm going to do. I don't want to obey the rest. I just want to write and earn a lot of money.
A kind of egoistic goal, that one. It could have ended there. I could have done it, really really hard work, following the crowd, the recipes of writing the correct stuff, entertaining in the right way - you see I do believe that with the right attitude one can come really far.
The problem is that I have standards, as well. I have own meanings, opinions. I have special preferences on how I want it. So not only do I have this really egoistic dream - I have really high standards for it as well!
So I kind of reset myself all the time.
And in a way that is really good because it is very important for me to write something that I can be proud of in 30 years time as well. Not only because someone else liked it but because I liked it and still like it many years from now!
And my freedom for today is that I have let go of the dream of becoming a millionaire and really popular as an author. I have come to a point where I want to take responsibility for my life. Look it in the eyes. And still, continue to stand.
I want to write for myself. Finally. After all these years. My stories are mine! And while I do want editors to look at my stuff, while I do want to go indie and pay for more eyes than my own ones when looking through my written works to see if it is readable - it is still mine! I choose to do with my texts as I like!
It feels so wonderful to not eat this dream, cause I don't want it anymore. I want to live, and I want to write for myself!
