(I felt obligated to post a warning: I am writing about the illness of my father and of my best friend. This is not a happy post)
I don’t know how to write this, but I feel I must. The last weeks I several times hinted to health problems of my father, but I always stayed vague. Right now, I am so sad that I no longer know how to write a funny post on Monday. I do not see a future. I am no good in dealing with illness and death. I am not good at accepting finiteness.
My father was ill for longer now. First, he had a lung infection in summer and after this he showed more and more personality changes. He spoke less and seemed depressed. We first thought it may be aftereffects of the lung infection, but so far, his blood works were ok. In the last month of 2018 everything escalated. He started to become aggressive (which he never was) or felt attacked by my mother or me. In the next moment he was crying and thought he will lose us. He also started to have problems to walk and a tremor in his hands. We tried to convince him to see a doctor, but he only interpreted this as attacks on him. After he nearly caused a car accident, I talked with a doctor behind his back and felt extremely bad after this (as if I would betray him) because I supposed something like Parkinson’s disease.
Nevertheless, he agreed to see the doctor with me. This was two weeks ago. After this it was one doctor and hospital after the other. He has brain tumour which already pushed his brain to one side. He had surgery last Friday and after this devastating diagnosis I again had hope, as the surgery went well, and he recovers fast. But yesterday we were told it is a fast-growing kind of cancer and they did not give us hope. He will try chemotherapy and radiation therapy, but as I said, not much hope. I know my parents are not young any more, but I feel like I cannot cope with this. I am so unbelievable sad. I cannot stop to cry. I do not want to accept that everybody must die. Besides of my husband, my parents are all the family I have.
Besides this one of my best friends with whom I have studied together and shared a room is terminally ill. For one year now, I am constantly expecting my talk with her to be the last one. But she is tough and keeps on fighting. The doctors told us several times that she will not wake up again, but she always recovered a bit. Right now, she is back home, and we are still able to speak. But I am often frightened to phone her and to hear that she is back in hospital or worse. I am deluding myself and believe there will be a miracle and she can live a bit longer. She is such a beautiful person (I know everybody deserves to be healthy and happy, but I am partial). For years now, she devotedly cared for her ill parents at home. And only recently (short before her diagnosis) could marry her long-time partner. I want her to be happy and to have some wonderful moments together with her husband…
I cannot see the light right now. I think my brain is so accustomed to crying and having catastrophic thoughts that I cannot stop. I do not want to lose contact to you all, but on the other side I can hardly concentrate on anything else than the illness of my father and my best friend. I feel like I betray them if I write about crafting or painting. I feel like I am not allowed to smile anymore but (intellectually) know that it helps nobody if I wallow in my own sadness.
I am sorry to write such a post disguised as a needlework post, but I wanted to reach you all as you were a constent help to cope with my migraines in the last year. I wanted to let you know why I am not responding or commenting consistently. And perhaps I hope if I write this down, all will change to the better and I find the courage to write on monday again….
The wonderful little creatures you see mixed into this post are Nano Pig and Superwander Alpaca. Both were created and send to me by @cryptocariad. They are now in our kitchen and smiling at me and trying to cheer me up. Although I have to say that Superwander Alpaca also motivates me to go out for a walk (when I am not caring for my father). She (just that you know both are women :-D) loves to hike in forests or alongside a river, so she wants me to take her and Nano Pig to all the beautiful spots around here.
Thank you so much for this lovely company @cryptocariad and thank you @needleworkmonday for forming this wonderful community.
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