Everyone, and each in his own way, we have experienced what it means to be angry. Even the children get angry and it is up to the parents to be present and build their role on the experiences of anger lived with their children.
This article will consider, on the one hand, how anger is expressed in children, what it is for and what are the positive aspects of this emotion, and on the other how to help parents to support, manage and express the child's anger.
Credits Pixabay
At times, however, anger can be misinterpreted and considered negatively. In fact, it may happen that this feeling can turn into a destructive element when it becomes an uncontrolled emotion by associating it with violence and aggression, and its positive qualities are hardly recognized. As we said, too, children feel anger we try to understand better how it manifests, what functions it has and how can parents be useful to their children when they express this emotion.
Credits Pixabay
But how is anger expressed in children?
If you ask this question to parents they would be able to bring us countless examples, being experts in relationships with their children!
Anger, even in little ones , is defined as a massive disorganization of the self. During an outbreak of anger, the level of tension in the child's body and mind is so high that it causes him/her an uncontrolled need to discharge it verbally or physically. Some children explode regularly, discharging the tension they feel in the body and mind through bites, kicks, beating, cursing, shouting or losing control. It is as if they were to eliminate both the tension and the person who they consider to be the cause. The more closed children can, instead, express their anger also through the game expressing the need to communicate, "put out", the confusion they feel inside themselves.
What is it for and what events lead to anger?
One of the most widespread beliefs is that anger is a negative emotion, somehow harmful as it inevitably leads to a state of malaise, but it is not necessarily so.
Anger, in reality, is an emotion like all the others and has an important value and usefulness. This emotion can help us to perceive an injustice and consequently to face it. It can be, therefore, considered as a signal in particular cases of urgency or emergency, such as fear in a state of danger. Generally it is confused with aggression but these two experiences are very different.
In fact, anger is an emotion, and can be tested in different situations and with different levels of intensity, while aggression involves behavior, implemented to hit something or someone.
The causes that can lead a child to frequently experience anger are multiple:
When love or need is threatened in a continuous and traumatic way;
The loss of a loved one, by abandonment or by death, can cause anger and irritability;
A parent sometimes present and affectionate, sometimes not, can arouse anger because the child is forced into a state of emotional and bodily stimulation, due to the hope of future closeness, and then to the frustration of disappointment;
A child whose parent is always angry lives in constant alert, waiting for the next outbreak of anger;
A childhood of beatings, verbal violence and cries can consolidate in the child an uninterrupted circuit of rage;
Being a witness to domestic violence. A child who sees a parent beating another keeps his pain and fear, assuming a defensive-aggressive attitude;
Educational models that are based on making a child feel ashamed activate anger and rancorous circuits.
What are the positive aspects of anger?
Anger, however, can be useful and also has positive values allowing the parent to take action to make sure they can help the child. We can remember that anger is a vital energy, but temporarily destructive, which can however be accompanied in a more constructive and non-repressive outlet. First of all we can recognize it, respect it, we can distinguish it from the simple "whims" of children and "pretexts." The adult will therefore be called to contain it, to mentally tolerate it, to listen to it, to understand it and not to judge it, and to learn / teach a negotiation that does not cancel that natural instinct but gives it a just form.
The parent, will be able to make a concrete and mental presence for the child, which can represent an external security, for the child whom has not yet internalized security and have fears of being abandoned in the grip of angry rage.
What can parents do to help children when they express anger?
Tune in to the intensity of the child's emotions :
That is, to respond to the intensity of the child's emotions with an appropriate facial expression and a right tone of voice, to show him/her that you clearly perceive the quality and strength of what he/she feels. This way you will feel in touch with them.
Validate his experience, the way he experiences a certain event:
That is to offer the child the experience of a deep understanding, a recognition of what he is and what he feels. Trying to find the right words for his emotions, words that make him understand that you are in tune with him. The parent's task is to help the child find connections between emotions and words. The child is not yet able to reflect and think about his anger but the parent can help him. When the parent finds the words he is showing the child that he understands how he is experiencing that event, even if this way is different from that of the parent himself.
Contain the child and his emotions:
The point is to offer the child the opportunity to feel confident in experiencing his emotions. Even finding the right words to express emotions will help him to feel content to offer him the opportunity to reflect and think about his emotions.
Conclusion
Anger is therefore an important and strong channel of emotional expression for children, but it is up to their parents, because they have a great resource that is to be both a container and a useful tool to collect what their little ones feel but still do not know how to put out. Moreover, the fact that anger also has a positive connotation, helps us to symbolize it not only as "useful" but, offers us new incentives to recognize it and help children to live it and utilize it without feeling like "bad" children!