Words coming from the heart break barriers and cause empathy.
(Marshall Rosenberg).
This is the fourth stage of Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication methodology. The method of nonviolent communication helps to communicate peacefully, it is used in diplomacy and ordinary communication between people.
The first stage was the Observation – I shot about this video 74. The second stage – Feelings in 86 video. The third stage is the Needs in 91 video.
- REQUEST
The fourth and final component of the NVC process helps us to understand what we would like to ask from others in order to meet our needs and enrich our lives.
After all, when we enter into communication with another person, we usually want some of his behavior to repeat, and some stopped.
For example, a wife sees a mess in the house when her husband is at home. She has a need for order, and he may not have such a need, so it is she who will have to ask him to follow some rules that will help maintain order. If the husband appreciates his wife and her good mood, even if he doesn’t appreciate order, he will still do something to maintain order.
For such and similar situations, there is this stage – Request.
The clear wording of the request is not as simple as it seems at first glance.
There are several recommendations:
- Formulate what you need, not what you don't need. For example, "I don't want you to be at work all night," replace with "I'd like you to spend the evening with me and the kids."
- Avoid vague, abstract or ambiguous expressions, formulate requests as specific actions to make it clear what you want.
- Make sure that your request doesn’t appear to be a demand that will be followed by punishment or prosecution.
- The purpose of the request should be to meet the needs of your and the other person, and not the desire to change people, their behavior or to attract them to your side.
To check how you understand the expression of requests, say "Yes!" in those statements in which the interlocutor clearly asks to take certain actions.
Exercise 4. Request expression
- I want you to understand me.
- If you have noted this point, I don’t agree with you. I believe that the word "understand" doesn’t provide a clear definition of action. You could say, "I want you to tell me what you just heard from me."
- I would like you to express your assessment of one of my work.
- If you have noted this point, I agree with you.
- I'd like you to be more confident.
- I don't agree with you. You could say, "I'd like you to take a course of therapeutic training that I'm sure will increase your self-confidence."
- I want you to stop drinking.
- I don't agree with you. I believe that the words "stop drinking" is rather misleading, what the other person doesn’t have to do. You could say, "I want you to tell me what your needs are for alcoholism, and I want you to talk to me about other ways to meet those needs."
- I want you to let me be myself.
- I don't agree with you. You could say, "I want you to promise me that you won't break up with me — even if I do something that you don't like."
- I would like you to be honest with me about yesterday's meeting.
- I don't agree with you. You could say, "I want you to tell me what you feel about my actions and what you think I could do differently."
- I want you to drive at the right speed.
- I agree with you.
- I'd like to get to know you better.
- I don't agree with you. You could say, "I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me once a week."
- I would like you to respect my right to privacy.
- I don't agree with you. You could say, "I'd like you to knock on the door before you come into my office."
- I wish you'd cook dinner more often.
- I don't agree with you. I believe that the words "more often" don’t provide a clear definition of action. You could say, "I'd like you to make your own dinner on Monday."
I will see you in the next – last – video about this method, in which I will talk about what permeates all stages of communication – Empathy.
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