After 5.5 months in Östersund I found myself having to fly back to NYC ASAP. My husband Bo had to continue to work, so it was just Nazmieh and I. This trip was bitter sweet. One of my family members was dying.
My uncle, who has been like a father to me from day 1 nearly 35 years ago, had kidney failure. His kidneys had been failing for nearly 2 years, and he refused dialysis. The past few months, weeks especially, he seemed to be declining fast, so I went to see him. I got to see him for maybe 10 minutes, 10 minutes I’m very grateful for. The next day we planned to spend time together, but he had passed. Death of a loved one is never easy to deal with obviously. Even when you think you’re prepared because they’ve been sick for a long time, you aren’t. I wasn’t. He was in a lot pain, so I’m glad he isn’t anymore, but I selfishly wanted more time. I want more time, time for another laugh, another hug, to hold his hand and tell him he was a great man to my sister and I growing up.
This is the first time in my life death has been this close, parent-like close. While I see that life goes on, especially if you have a little one depending on you, I find it hard to believe my uncle is physically gone from this earth. I saw him no longer alive, I know he’s passed, but it’s still hard to wrap my head around. Every single day I feel that disbelief. Sometimes I want to space out and do nothing, and other times I’m laughing or smiling about a memory of him. It’s all so strange yet I’m relieved for him and sad for myself. My daughter is the best medicine right now, such sunshine every day in general , but now more so. I go in and out of the grief.
My sister and I have to clean out his apartment. That’s when it’s really real. It’s overwhelming, hard and sad, and we conveniently haven’t gotten to the bulk of it. When in his apartment I expect him to walk in the door. He was a private man. It feels wrong to be going through his things. Many emotions. I’m letting myself feel everything and taking it a day at a time.
