Letting Go
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
In some years past, Quinn occasionally did some work for me around my house. I knew he was capable, wanted the money, and I hired him to help me trim trees and do other odd jobs, though there was never any ulterior motive, plan or desire to make anything more of his being here. We spent many afternoons together having quiet conversation, eating fresh foods, drinking a cold beer or two and getting to casually know each other from a strictly platonic relationship.
I remember one specific conversation where I told him about a relationship I imagined I would have one day. As my husband was 16 years my senior, I rather expected I would outlive him, so would likely go on to experience another relationship that I dreamed would be the relationship I described to Quinn. I felt the true possibility of loving my partner unconditionally, for us both to be whoever we wanted to be without expectations or attachments, but still somehow being totally committed to the expansion and joy of our relationship together. I don’t know where this vision came from as I don’t recall ever having any specific desires or thoughts of anything but a monogamous, rather traditional-type marriage, but I do recall it being quite profound even to me while I was becoming aware of it. Quinn asked if I thought that relationship could be with my husband. I said no as I felt we had too many years of marriage of a semi-traditional nature. I had no idea that the profound relationship I described could ever possibly be one I would experience with Quinn.
On one occasion months later, when Quinn finished the job he had come to my house to assist me with, he looked straight into my eyes and asked if I wanted to do acrosage with him. He obviously sensed I was depressed. I asked if it would make me cry. He said “Possibly. You know you don’t have to pretend with me. You can tell me anything!” So I said yes, knowing I was about to become more vulnerable with him than I felt comfortable being. Letting this young man touch my body, twisting and moving the chi I could feel had become stagnant within, due to the stress of my irreconcilably 22 year marriage, and I quite discontent and saddened about it.
(Acrosage is a form of aerial massage. Quinn would lay on his back on the floor and put his hands and feet in the air. I would tip backwards onto his feet and hands as he would raise me up, twisting and massaging my body at the same time.)
He gave me acrosage in the middle of my living room floor, and he was right, the tears began to flow without end. He caressed all the tight spots as he unblocked and released the pressure I had built up inside. He gently laid my limp body on the floor at his feet, massaged me with his hands, wrapped his loving arms around my waist, pulled me tight against his long lean body, cuddled up to me with his warm breath on my neck, his heart beating in rhythm with mine, and held me while I wept and slept in the love of his embrace.
At one point my son entered the room with a few of his friends. I could feel the discomfort in the air as he had never seen me in the intimate proximity of any man except his father. His friends questioned him in shock that I was cuddled up with another man on the living room floor (and that I didn’t jump up to pretend no one had seen us). I felt the tension in the air, and though I wanted them to understand, I did not care to explain or move a muscle. I was wrapped in the arms of an angel and my heart, though breaking, was being swaddled and nurtured into the acceptance of everything.
My ability to be present in the moment was being tested to the core. I especially didn't want my children to have judgment or ideas about what was happening, and I was creating the scenario that could have been doing just that. I had to dig deep to nurture myself, to let go of the thoughts of judgment torturing my mind, and to let my heart feel some peace.
I didn't turn this acrosage experience with Quinn into anything outside of the moment. I took the healing he offered for what it was, and realized how much tension I held inside of my dwindling (now 90 lb.) body. I had so much to release, letting go of attachments, expectations, dreams, and the future of our family in tact. I had much work on myself to do!
Stay Tuned for Part 7
