People live with an idea of "normal" that they protect at all costs.
They'll say they want to be happy, but then absolutely struggle against their happiness. Some call it self-sabotage, but that suggests a type of low self-esteem. That happens too, but even people with healthy self-esteem are prone to this behavior.
It's more the rigidity of self-concept period, than problems with any given self-concept.
Whatever we identify with as "me and my life" is what we intuitively support in our lives. This applies to ideas about our characteristics... likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, etc. But it also applies to our idea of how well things are going in our lives in general.
What Retirement Reveals
I've not been able to escape awareness of my tendency to do this, because I have to admit when I think about it that everything really is okay. There is nothing for me to worry about or be tense about. I could be feeling good all the time.
And yet I notice a habitual tension and tendency for my mind to seek out things that need correcting. I still focus more when I can see something wrong than I focus on what is there to appreciate. My mind is more diffuse when there is nothing "wrong." I have to remind myself to appreciate sometimes, but I never have to remind myself to notice what needs improving and start ruminating on it.
The drive to improve things can be good, because it stimulates us to growth. But when it becomes habitual it's problematic. It actually causes us to create problems where none exist, just so that we feel the accomplishment of solving them.
What if instead we could settle into the idea that everything is okay just as it is?
That doesn't mean things won't change. Things always change. We don't need to focus on what's wrong in order for things to improve. We intuitively know what we want when we encounter something we don't want. That just happens instantly. It doesn't require our mind dwelling on the issue.
Being retired really highlights this, because it's harder to rationally come up with excuses for feeling tension. I still can get lost in searching for things to fix, which you'll see evidence of in my last post. But for the most part, it's easy to catch myself in this counter-productive pattern.
But even before you retire, you can probably catch yourself doing this sometime. See if when you catch yourself worrying about something or scheming for how you can improve something in your personal situation you are able to find something to appreciate instead. See if you can actually pivot at-will between the focus that you're drawn to and the focus that you choose for yourself.
You will see that you actually get more done and enjoy doing it more when you can move from a place of appreciation instead of a place of "fixing a broken world."
The world can be improved by your love for it, more than your rejection of it.
I know that runs counter to your social training. You've been trained to see disatisfaction as a kind of responsibility. You must not be so selfish as to actually be happy while anything is imperfect in the world! Stop being so self-indulgent and get yourself out there fighting for that whatever... something, always something.
Or, better idea, love the world enough for your love to inspire you to action that is like a pebble dropped into a calm lake, with ripples that spread far and wide. Let your life, your mental interpretation of your life that is, become that calm lake, instead of a turbulent ocean of fretting and fight.
The ocean will swallow even a boulder of activity and effort with no noticeable effect. But the still, peaceful lake will provide ample opportunity for your gentle movement in the world to create noticeable effect.
Enjoy the stillness.
