Guys, Guys! Let's step back, yeah...
The IT consultant rose from his chair. His name was Jude, which had already made my lower intestine flobble as if trying to expel tapeworm eggs.
We were in a meeting about Cloud Enablement. We had tried once and failed. Now it looked like we were going to try again.
Things were getting heated among the attendees over our past failure and as a result, our highly paid external consultant was attempting to placate us mortals with his expensive wisdoms.
He stood and made patting motions downwards with both hands.
We cannot just sow magic beans and expect a beanstalk.
He said with hypnotic smoothness.
I jerked out of my almost slumber as if a farmer had just slid elbow deep within me looking for Roman coins.
Eh, isn't that exactly what you would expect?
I smiled.
Everyone stared at me as if I had started a small tapdance.
Jude shook his head at me.
No, that's not what you would expect.
He looked around the table for support and continued.
The thing is, yeah? The preparatory work has to be done for the beanstalk to grow.
Everyone nodded thoughtfully. One of the IT Support guys I had known for a long time, Half-Can Dan, piped up.
I get where you are going here. We have to lay the groundwork properly this time?
He leaned back as if expecting a round of applause.
Exactly, yeah? So we don't sow the beans without preparing the soil...
But didn't Jack just throw the beans out of the window? I don't think he did any preparatory work at all?
I interrupted.
The confident and easy smile on Jude's face slipped a little.
It's a metaphor, you're not meant to take it literally.
He said with a hint of exasperation at having to explain his shitty metaphors.
Ah, righto.
I tilted my head graciously and motioned for him to go on.
Jude appraised the room before stepping to one of the white walls and brandishing a marker-pen.
So guys, we attempted this before, yeah? Let's look at what we did previously and see if we can address where we went wrong.
He gave us all a winning smile.
Now remember, this is all about brainstorming not blamestorming.
I let out a deranged sounding snort.
Jude shot me a poisonous glance.
Half-Can Dan piped up.
We didn't do enough analysis the last time, eh.
Jude bounced on his heels.
Yeah, let's get that up on the board.
He started scrawling on the wall.
Half an hour of buzzwords and utterly useless ideas later the meeting came to a close.
As we filed out the meeting room we bumped into El Jefe.
Did you manage to run some good stuff up the flagpole then?
He beamed at us.
There were various grunts and nods. Jude launched into a spiel so positive it was as if he had been reading some chbartist.
Eventually Jude stopped talking. El Jefe turned to me.
And so BoomDawg, what's your view?
He yodelled heartily.
I looked at Judy and El Jefe and walked past them shaking my head.
We're gonna need some magic beans.
