Hi there Steemians!
Today, little more intimate and not so "normal" as always... little more "bloggy" than "fotologgy" ;)...
hope You will have little distance to what I will write, but most of it will be quite true...
To give You little more background for what I want to say - I will use some "backstage" shots of my latest lone trip and Aurora hunt in area of western norwegian coast...
I am not normal.
Who is? - You can ask
But I am really more not normal than others, maybe even more not normal than I should be.
Maybe You think right now, that I want to be better than others saying that - that I want to be original. But it is not like that - I am not normal in this bad way - I mean, sometimes, something really bad is happening to my head, to my thoughts and imagination...
If I could choose, create my personality like in some kind of RPG game - I would be totally different person. Set of mental and physical weaknesses in my body is quite unique and make me feel really "splitted" , "torned" apart.
To be more straight - dualism is the right word here...
This 'Dualism' is present in every single aspect of my life, from private life, to work, my needs, my dreams, my actions and thoughts.
This dualism is like "good and evil" site of me and my actions...
This inner conflict is sometimes so strong that I feel like I am not in my own body, that this life I have now is not mine - sometimes I even feel like I don't want it, let this bad dream end...
And I am not talking here about suicide! No no no, nothing like that - I love life too much to think that way, I am just struggling with my self and many times I have to use some "back door" to quiet down and calm myself...
What is "back door" - alcohol, drugs (in the past), music, long sleep, lonely hikes and outdoor photo-shooting...
These are my "drugs"... I am addicted to them, to alcohol, I am not alcoholic, but I love the state of being stoned... to sleep - I admire my dream world, world in my dreams have really place, I am visiting the same places there, I remember other dreams during dreaming, this is like my second life where I don't feel this "dualism" state...
Finally - lonely hikes and lone photo trips - I think most "productive" and safe from all my "back door" escapes.
That is why I love night shooting, darkness of the night is calming... I have a fear of dark, my imagination is quite crazy and I cannot control it. I believe in all forms of scary things which can hide in the darkness... and I can't help it. It is my weakness....
... but in other way, I love it, this state of fear keeps me away of bad thoughts and fighting with myself. Darkness is like a coat, it really touch You when You walk into dark woods or empty, open, dark spaces, where only the stars above Your head shows You the up/down directions.
Aurora hunting in many ways is like on the picture below...
You are waiting...
...and waiting...
...and waiting...
... and during this waiting time, You can dring some alco... You can hear the music, You can try to organize Your thoughts, plans, think about a life which You don't have...
This is a real Nirvana state for me... being outdoor, totally alone, with nice company %%%, maybe some music, without haste, somewhere far from home, somewhere with open horizon, great amount of space above head, under the stars, or clouds... in cold - yes, cold is really important, because cold makes You "active".
This all is just a very much surface layer of the whole problem with me...
This duality, this feelings and this need to be alone from time to time...
My family don't understand that, they know, that I am a loner type - but they have NO idea how important it is to me to keep myself in one piece.
After many weeks in home, or work, after many weeks of doing the same rutines or boring necessary things for a living - I feel depressed, I feel sometimes that I can explode and do something I don't want to.
That is why I have to go out sometimes, alone... few days into the wild keep my body and my soul together.
If somebody will take this from me one day - can kill me instead... seriously.
And older I am - these thoughts become stronger and stronger....
... how it will ends - time will show.
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