By the photocopier:
“Do not put ink powder in yourself.”
In a Laundromat:
“Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”
In an office:
“After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”
In an office:
“Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.”
On a church door:
“This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all. (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)”
Outside a second-hand shop:
“We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”
Notice sent to resident of a Wiltshire parish:
“Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.”
Notice in health food shop window:
“Closed due to illness.”
Spotted in a safari park:
“Elephants please stay in your car.”
Outside a disco:
“Smart is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.”
Seen during a conference:
“For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.”
Message on a leaflet:
“If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”
On a repair shop door:
“We can repair anything. (Please knock – the bell doesn’t work).”
On a bag of Fritos:
“You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
In a guide to setting up a new computer:
“To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the Box).”
On a shampoo:
“Use repeatedly for severe damage.”
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
“Fits one head.”
On a hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping.”
On a dessert (printed on bottom of box):
“Do not turn upside down.”
In a hotel:
“If you require room service, please open door and shout, ‘room service!’”
On a bread pudding:
“Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for an iron:
“Do not iron clothes on body.”
On a children’s cough medicine:
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On a sleep aid:
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
On most brands of Christmas lights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a food processor:
“Not to be used for the other use.”
On a peanut jam:
“Warning: Contains peanuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
Outside a new town hall which was to be opened by a dignitary:
“The town hall is closed until opened. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.”
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