MOMENT TO MOMENT BY CHOICE
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43
Jealousy crept in and it crept out. When Quinn was with me, I felt secure and alive. When he was not with me but with another, especially a woman, I sometimes felt afraid of his ability to be so free. At first I found a way to keep the intensity of those feelings at bay as every time he returned, it was as if our world was back in the blissful state of eternal love where no one else even existed on the planet.
I wanted more than ever to be alone together to keep that feeling of security, which I actually already knew was just a trick I played on my own mind.
I hadn’t felt this jealousy with my was-band, but I did realize as we divorced that marriage actually offered me a false sense of security. It helped me to believe that I had someone in my corner, someone to always love me, someone who would be there for me through the good and the bad. And it just so happened that that was the case in our relationship, but I realized it really didn’t have anything to do with being married. A piece of paper and recognition from the state could not really create that and forever give me that safe place of peace. We actually made that our reality for ourselves!! “Having” him as my husband was really an illusion, as I was aware that one could not actually “have” another. I didn’t examine that fully until my illusion of security came to an end.
After paying for attorneys and court costs, my was-band and I walked up to the judge holding hands. The judge proceeded in asking us questions about our marriage. Being satisfied we met the criteria for irreconcilable differences, he rapped his gavel and gave us permission to go our separate ways. We hugged each other and walked out of the courthouse together. Though we got what we wanted, I was appalled that I had given so much power over my relationship to something outside of myself, even to the point of having to get permission to bring it to an end. Of course I was responsible for making it what I wanted it to be, but that I had bought into the idea of security granted by someone else showed me that I was living by a construct of ideas that I hadn’t yet questioned on a deeper level.
Quinn’s mom once asked me if Quinn and I we would get married, if in fact we believed in it. He obviously was not a believer or participator in those kinds of limitations, but a man of his own divine rights, and would share his love where it felt good to share.
And I, though not inspired to ever give away that power to an outside source after having a marriage that ended revealing to me the truth about that false sense of security, found I was struggling to find that security within myself.
I didn’t want a paper commitment that bound us together, or an agreement that would make us feel confined or obligated to one another, or to add layers of social norms that would make it even more difficult to let each other go. I also didn’t want labels (like “married”) that would ignite the ideas of others to be piled onto our relationship, or give others reasons to judge what we found important for ourselves. Though I continued to struggle with what I considered to be ridiculous feelings of jealousy, I knew my ideal would be to wake up everyday next to the man I truly loved, and to choose on a moment-to-moment basis to be in blissful gratitude that this day was another day to appreciate the delicious beauty of being together.
Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 45
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