THE WAITING GAME
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58
Quinn stayed home for a short while, regrouping before his next road trip. I was sadder than ever to see him go, and I knew my life would never be the same again. I could tell how excited he was for this adventure, and I was feeling empty.
I moved a mattress in front of the wood burning stove, and barely made a move away from the burning embers for weeks. I had my few necessities next to me and I would pass the nights and days staring into the fire to keep from staring into my soul. I knew something was up, but I didn’t have the guts to face it.
Though I often found horoscopes, tarot, IChing and the like to be very interesting, I never put too much credence in them. I had a friend who offered me frequent IChing readings, which confirmed that Quinn and I would be together and that this was no mere love connection. I wasn’t really sure what that meant or how that would play out, but I clung on to every little snippet of hope, and at the same time tried to brace myself just in case her readings were inaccurate!
I didn’t really have any obligations. Only a few people stopped by the Garden of Eden and I didn’t really go much of anywhere. I ate basically only garden sweet potatoes cooked in the fire, and fresh harvested greens.
It was a long many weeks of wondering which tack my life would take. It was extremely difficult to be present, though that is the challenge that helped me get through each day. I constantly refocused on my art, dance and meditation. I read a lot of books to keep myself distracted. I kept sending Quinn love because there was nothing else of value I felt I could do.
My practice in presence kept me focused on what I was DOING in the moment, but it also gave me reason to not really address the deep seating feelings that I obviously needed to attend to. I was focusing on my present superficial, surface realities, so I wouldn't have to revisit old wounds of separation like I experienced with my was-band. This felt like an even deeper cavern to explore than that one, but all I could do was wait and hope in this blurry abyss of downward spiraling darkness.
Waiting for my life to unfold was really quite antagonizing. I was waiting for clarity on what was really happening, I was waiting for Quinn's communications, and I was waiting for him to show up at our home with my happiness and put the pieces of my heart in place like my Knight in Shining Armor. My life was on pause, and I didn't have the desire to start it again without him.
Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 60
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