THE OFFER
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5
We had weeks to catch up on, but all of that paled in comparison to just curling up in each other's presence.
We feasted together and settled back in a little bit, but mostly in stillness with each other's breath.
He made me an offer.... “Would you like to go to India with me?”
YES ~ YES ~ YES ~ AND ~ FUCK YES!!!!
Ahhhhhh--Breathe!!! D-e-e-p Breath!
Quinn had received an invitation some weeks before to go to India to build a sustainable yoga center. It was exciting to see that people were finally beginning to understand and invest in what he had to share. Being thrilled to see his expertise being acknowledged, supported and utilized, I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do.
He was going to be immersed in high-level management on this project he was to help plan and direct, and he wanted me to do documentation with my fine photography skills--as I had done for years with him here at the @gardenofeden.
There was a big catch to his offer, however. Quinn told me he didn’t want me to go with him as his girlfriend, or in an intimate capacity. Just to go and be a part of the bigger process and to help him capture the entirety of the experience for media purposes.
Hmmmmm...what is that about? I probed a bit to see if I could catch his drift without blowing myself away. He sat with me open and present, as I skirted around my worries. Though he asked me if there was anything I wanted to know or to talk about his travels, I cleverly avoided his offer, attempting to keep myself simply in the present moment of enjoyment of us now.
Still I couldn't help but wonder what was up. Maybe the people he was going to work with weren’t expecting a girlfriend, but a business associate or media partner. Maybe he was wanting to put on a more professional appearance and not one of a couple for this trip. My mind roamed the possibilities, and of course took into account thoughts and possibilities that would support my feelings of separation from him. He had been away for weeks and though he was completely present here, I could feel an undercurrent that much had changed. Maybe he loved his newly experienced solo life and had evolved to prefer it that way. Maybe there was someone in India he knew, and was interested in exploring what those possibilities were. Maybe he had experienced someone or something while away that provoked him wanting to make a clearer delineation of us being in independent space, rather than together.
Even though Quinn was ALLways free--never having promised me anything but the moment, it was fairly easy to justify that he hadn’t really found anyone else while away that was of epic importance, as we were planning a 3-6 month stay in India, and if he found someone who he loved as much or more than me, why would he want to be away from her for so long? I settled my fears by knowing at the beginning of our relationship that the magnetism was so strong between us that we didn't want to be apart, so if he discovered another lover, it couldn’t have been all that compelling for long-term involvement.
I had lots of ideas about the situation, but ultimately, no matter what the reason, if I were to go on this trip, that would be my defined role. Of course I was OVERJOYED to be traveling with Quinn again and getting to be a part the awareness and expansion of his abilities. Spending time together was what I really wanted as I had missed him so much, regardless of what form that took.
I knew that Quinn could feel me, so there didn’t really seem that much that I could say that he didn’t already know. He knew my fears, could feel my anxiety, my internal questioning, as well as my excitement and relief to be together again. I had become quite adept at going with the flow with him, and simply allowing the realities to unfold before me. The biggest part of me didn’t want to question, but to embrace the possibilities of what could or would happen when we were physically together in the same space again.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from this trip, but I was determined to embrace it, however it turned out to be!
It’s amazing how fearful I was about asking questions and delving into what was really going on, especially when I loved and trusted Quinn with my life! I was so afraid to hear, so afraid to speak! I wasn’t strong enough to engage the possible truth.
Perhaps I came by that naturally as I don’t recall my family ever having any serious conversations, except about death of a grandparent. I never heard my parents talk about deep, intimate matters, or argue or resolve conflict about things that upset them. My memories of childhood and the way my biological family communicates as adults is what I would consider to be extremely shallow and disconnected. We don’t talk about our feelings. We awkwardly say “I Love You”...occasionally. When we get angry we blow up or just decide never to talk to each other without the other even knowing why. We rarely talk about real things that are really going on, and we hide from each other and ourselves by not allowing ourselves the voice of expression and the openness to truly hear.
Only through the years of hanging out with Quinn have I learned to open up to better verbal communication. He is a remarkable example! He has no fear, but ignites the delving into DEEP subjects for which I am extremely grateful. He pushes the envelope to go to the core and helps dig out some of the invisible monsters that are lurking around inside. He’s not the one unable to talk, or listen, or to really GO there!
He knew me so well that when I spoke it was really only to express myself. He would already know what I was thinking or feeling, where I was internally coming from, and where I was going to. He could see all matters from my life coming together to paint the picture of how I was showing up in the moment. I often used his high level of awareness and extra sensory perception as an excuse for not having to discuss the difficult things with him. His already knowing was my permission for not broaching a subject, which ultimately only held me back, and manifested things in accordance with my chaotic vibration.
Often when I’ve put up my wall to protect myself, I have escalated things into my physical reality. And then….I’m am forced to face it and talk about it, or run away.
I’m not a boisterous one, I rarely raise my voice or get very angry. When I have, it was generally stewing in there awhile and came out in more of a blast! I am continually practicing, and have learned that addressing issues in the moment is a way better option than holding things inside. Things can be resolved much more quickly if they aren’t compounded by layers upon layers of more negative emotions.
I am still in master training to upgrade my communication skills that I have minimally used all my life. I believe that communication is one of the greatest keys to an over-the-top relationship. Imagine a relationship where there is no blame or shirking of responsibility, but where you could tell or hear anything with no fear -- and still be loved!
Being around people who love you enough to really work things out with you is really a blessing, as has Quinn been for me steady without fail. We can truly get to know each other when we aren’t afraid to get intimate, vulnerable, raw and real, and share who, what, and where we really are! The more open we are the more juicy the experience.
Thank you for reading my blog and for going
on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 62
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