THE LIVING NIGHTMARE
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62
My friend who had stayed with me at the @gardenofeden during Quinn’s absence drove us to the airport for our undetermined possible 3-6 month stay in India. We were super excited as neither of us had been to India before, we always traveled with such ease and grace together, he was going to share some of his profound knowledge and wisdom, and we would have a whole new world to live and capture through our shared love for photography and video.
Quinn had continued his counseling up until the last minute, being in connection with many to help them find fresh and evolutionary ways of living. The phone conversation he had while driving us to the airport gave rise to gratitude that we were getting away together--even if he wasn’t wanting us to be a “couple” on this journey. He was counseling the woman on the other end of the phone that consciousness was what was going to dictate her experience, and that he couldn’t help her if she was caught up in ideas and past traumas that she didn’t want to address. He told her the experience would not have a good outcome unless she was clear and capable of full surrender and embrace--to die and be reborn--letting go of the old and embracing the true implications of infinite potential. I looked at my friend while taking deep breaths, as I felt this was a bit more than just counseling, but something personal, though I couldn’t really get a grip on it from this one side of the conversation.
We arrived at the airport, unloaded our bags, hugged our friend goodbye and moved toward the ticket counter. Quinn continued his conversation with intermittent interruptions, and I was grateful, yet weary, to be in close enough proximity to hear what he was saying. We stood in line as their conversation became more revealing, giving me the full-on punch of terror in my stomach as my greatest fears were manifest.
His conversation went something like this....“Well, we weren’t going to get involved with each other in deep or lasting ways, but if you are truly ready, then what is unfolding has just taken our relationship to the next level.”
I knew what he was saying!! The blow of such force doubled me over as I clutched my stomach, hit with immediate and fierce pain. Blindsided and stunned, yet honestly not completely surprised, I sobbed right there in the airport check-in line as I knew my whole world as I known it to be had just crumbled right out from under me.
Quinn reached out to touch me as he felt the impact of his reality on mine, and at the same time had to process the radical change his own world was about to take. That which he had built his life upon up to this point was challenged, especially his publicly pronounced intention to never have any children.
Gratefully we arrived at the airport with excess time for breathing into this situation. We hugged each other so deeply. He held me as the sadness and excruciating pain poured out of me and puddled on the floor. Simultaneously he processed his own experience of death and rebirth.
I wanted to believe I misunderstood. I wanted my world of love, peace, ease and joy to return to me. I couldn’t feel any of that except for the love that Quinn never took away from me. As he processed the information for himself, I witnessed him make a personal video about the vastness of the Universe. It was all I could do to gain my composure and stand up straight regardless of the wadded lump I now had lodged in my stomach, and the pieces of my heart that were shattered all over the place.
We got to the front of the line, received our tickets and went toward security. As I handed my passport and ticket to the agent, he informed me that my boarding pass was in the name of someone else. Quinn looked at me with all sincerity, and asked me if I still wanted to go. I felt this was a sign from the Universe to make a choice--I could run and hide--some more--or I could address this head on. Running away from this situation was not going to help me. I had been hiding from this possibility and now that my greatest fear was in my face, I felt I had no option but to walk--or crawl--through it.
Quinn exchanged my boarding pass for the proper one and we boarded the plane.
It was obvious that through it all Quinn remained truly present with me. I knew that his ability to love so much was undeniable, yet I still felt so scared and alone.
I felt so deeply the turmoil of my inner self. The intensity of pain was almost too much to bear and I wanted more than anything to wake up from this nightmare. I had been aware for months that “What you fear, you draw near”, and I knew deep inside that I had brought this nightmare on myself through my own energetics, though on the outside I was so hurt that I couldn’t find my balance or find any solace outside of blame. Still I instinctively knew that this was the prime opportunity to face myself. With Quinn in India, or at home alone, I would still be here with me, and could not escape myself. Choosing to be with the one I loved and the possibility of truly working through some energetic shit felt so much more hopeful than wallowing in my swill alone.
I knew that my feelings of devastation were not really about Quinn loving someone else as he already was loving someone else before I really found out about it and dropped to my knees. I was still being loved, but instead of basing my feelings on love, I based them on my ideas of losing love, my own insecurities, jealousy, fear, unworthiness, and ideas of what a limited love should be.
I had once before loved two men at the same time, though I didn’t handle being around them both with grace. I had to shut one out to love the other, as my ideas of how love is supposed to be and what form it is supposed to take took precedence over what my heart showed me was truth. I was living a limited love based on ideas, not an expansive love of boundless potential.
I’ve never known anyone who could just stand in love regardless of the circumstances like Quinn did. Even though the whole situation was far from ideal and we each played our own individual roles in it, I could feel he was still loving me, and the only way I was able to continue on this journey was because of his presence and the opportunity to explore the depths of a love greater than I had ever known.
Thank you for reading my blog and for going
on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 64
Enter the @gardenofeden website too to see how we're doing our part to change the world.
