MY BLAME GAME!
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Intermission No. 4 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Intermission No. 5 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67
We traveled parts of India in rickshaws,
by bus,
by boat,
on motorcycles,
and on foot. We went to the big city,
small towns,
schools,
Students and teachers alike excited to have their pictures taken with Quinn.
and really mingled with the people.
So excited to see their faces on the camera screen. The lady with the cloth in her mouth was so timid, yet so bold to be showing up in all her glory. She was a real hoot when viewing her own photo. I doubt there are many mirrors available here.
In addition to being honored in attendance at the Puja ceremony, we were catered to in private homes,
The father of a friend of ours making tea for us as he welcomes us into his home. Such humble, beautiful grace!
enjoyed simple meals at home together, and ate a lot of food on the street.
Coconuts became our everyday water.
Everywhere I turned there was another picture and there was little time for anything else but being amazed!
Though part of me was in inner turmoil, I kept my focus behind my lens so the other part of me could be satiated with constant influx of newness.
When the activities of the day slowed down into night we edited photos and made videos, managing the thousands of photos taken daily to be used in our media. We stretched and did yoga together,
fed each other with our fingers, watched the sun set, massaged each other, and laid together in silence. Staying present in the moment was my best reprieve. Any glimpse toward the future made me unsettled, so I did my best not to go there.
On one occasion Quinn was giving me acrosage. To my surprise the lump in my stomach that developed when I first heard about his new baby-mama at the airport was not only still there, but was so tight and constricting that it hurt to stretch myself backward over his feet. Tears welled up in my eyes as the pain was a potent reminder of the intensity of the situation, taking me right back to that phone call that rocked my entire world.
My tears provoked a conversation about the shifts that had taken place for us. Though I would have much preferred to remain distracted and enjoy these moments of just being together, it was obvious this was the moment of truth.
Quinn held space for delving deeply into the core energetics that needed to be addressed. I was compelled to unleash my feelings and let them gush out all over--actually I’m not now sure if I could have stopped the flow even if I had wanted to. It was intense and pouring out of my every pore all over the place!
Quinn was in a completely different space than was I. I was going through the trauma of “losing” one of the most valuable and important relationships in my entire life, and he was beginning another. He already knew I was hurting deeply, and though not willing to rescue me, he was completely present to help me work through my feelings. I began throwing arrows of blame, distrust, manipulation, control, fear, and sadness directly at him. He sat quietly and listened as I shared from the depths of my soul how betrayed I felt, how jealous I was feeling, and how conflicted I was about how to be with him and be without him at the same time. Quinn didn’t deflect my arrows, but caught them all as he kept his focus upon me.
Tears began to endlessly pour, my voice began to raise in volume and quiver as I sobbed. My nervous system went on overload as I could feel every beat of my heart, every prickle of my skin as my nerve endings felt on fire! I wanted nothing more than to thrash my way out of this body, or simply die inside of it.
The longer we talked the more furious I became as if something deep inside me that had been locked in there for a very long time was clawing its way out. I definitely had ever been so angry, frustrated and powerless about something so important to me. The madder I got, the calmer Quinn got. He attempted to keep the balance, to be in loving presence, and to listen without taking on my attempts to slay him.
He let me know that he was recording our conversation, which made me even more furious! He told me he was going to share it with a lot of people to show how, in these dysfunctional moments, we can actually transcend them and find our way back to inner peace and eternal love. Inner peace? How the fuck was I going to find inner peace? He thought my rage was going to teach them? How dare he record me in my most horrific of moments. How dare he consider sharing the intensity of that with anyone--this was OUR private conversation. How dare he put me in this position in the first place, and then take advantage of my worst moments to prove his own points! I was burning in that purafire, flesh and all, and there was no way to stop the intensity of the flames!
He told me that he believed people would side with me--that they would feel my pain, would relate to where I was coming from, and likely also blame Quinn for being the one who had brought this all down upon me. He told me that when this was all over I would come back to love, that I would see the gift I was receiving by moving through these deep seated issues, and that I would thank him for helping me reveal my own self. He was also hoping that others too would see that being hurt is a choice based on our ideas, and that we could overcome the things holding us back, if we are only able to see it, take responsibility for it, and integrate a more empowered perspective. Fuck that! I don’t care about anyone else in this moment and I certainly don’t fucking want them to see me this way--I don’t even want to see myself!!
I sobbed which seemed like for hours. Everything I had been holding in was making its great escape. There was no distraction that could take this away. No holding or loving that could ease the pain. I didn’t know I had it in me, but when it was oozing out all over, there was simply no denying it was all coming from me. WTF? How do I deal with this? If it’s coming from within me, then I surely must have some influence on seeing it for what it truly is, awareness to manage it, and must fund the power to take responsibility for my own experience.
NO!!! There’s too much pain to face so it isn’t me...it’s you--y0u--you Quinn!! You’re the one who went off and fell in love with someone else and didn’t even tell me until you were so involved that your lives and the life of a child were irrevocably intertwined. It’s obviously you! This wouldn’t be happening to me if it weren’t for you. Look at all this grief you have caused me, and how you’ve ruined the life of my dreams. FUCK!!
What can I do now? How can I get you to change? Aargh!!! It’s likely too late for change as I can feel you are loving your new creation. I felt powerless and hopeless, and on top of that super PISSED that he was doing the recording. This was the worst I had ever felt. Something HAD to shift--this intensity was definitely not sustainable!
Not only had I felt betrayed in not knowing about his lover, I also felt betrayed that he would record me in my worst of times and threaten to share it with the world. I had to acknowledge that these were MY feelings, though I wasn't yet ready to take full responsibility for! I was so afraid of seeing myself as I had never seen or felt this side of me before. Just the thought of others seeing me added another dose that pushed me to stand in that fire and feel the intensity of the burn!!! OMG--what a blessing to feel so much!
I was grateful for feeling so alive even in the darkness. There was a silver lining I was already becoming aware of, but couldn't find a moment of clarity to get more than a glimpse. I knew I had to really engage this darkness, not hide from it anymore. Of course if I had not been blaming Quinn for my experience, I could have moved through it more quickly with grace. It was easy to say that if it weren't for him I wouldn't be feeling so much pain. However, I failed to recognize that I was the other part of the equation, and without me, I wouldn't be feeling this either!
Thank you for reading my blog and for going
on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 69
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